Why spending $40K on myself was worth every penny and what I got out of it

What you spend money on is the biggest indicator of your priorities and values.

It was the end of summer 2019 when I decided to spend over $2000 on a mastermind program.

And it opened up a can of worms, which I now like to call, the grooming stage.

To date, I've invested somewhere in the ballpark of $40K in myself.

(Note to self, keep track of finances, it's not a ballpark category)

I know that’s peanuts by some standards.

I know it’s unimaginable for some.

Here’s what I learned:

I consider myself an intelligent, logical, and insatiable learner.

Most people in my life will confirm that.

Despite my intelligence, however, I certainly took my time with figuring this out.

I’ve been using intelligence as a shield.

Designing a persona of refined taste and a killer sense of humor.

To distinguish and separate myself from others through an air of superiority.

Using my voracious appetite for reading to feed my refined and eloquent way with words, as if to make a case for my worthiness.

To prove something to someone.

Little did I know back then, that this behavior stems from an inner void, an empty place within.

A defense mechanism that served to protect my vulnerable, sensual and sensitive self.

The very same that has no place in a mature male psyche, or so I’ve been told.

Does that behavior sound smart to you?

Back to the investments.

I’ve spent that money on coaching, mentors, masterminds, courses, training, and books.

You name it.

I’ve probably done it.

Including entheogens, somatic, and energetic work.

It was worth every penny.

I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Was it painful?

Fuck yes, and it comes in waves and layers.

The complete annihilation of the basic foundations of self and my existential-ontological map of the universe.

It reminds me of a famous Czech bloke that set himself on fire amidst the Velvet Revolution.

It spread like wildfire, eventually culminating in the birth of a Republic.

That day marked a national holiday here last week.

I’ve learned to love the local culture.

But I digress.

That bloke.

He had a curious sense of certainty and devotion.

Wouldn’t you say?

Now to my point and the promise:

What I've learned throughout my entire professional career, working with coaches 1:1 and in groups, mentors, and managers.

No one knows anything.

Everyone’s just as clueless and afraid.

Even if on a surface level, it seems like everyone but you has their shit together.

Regardless of the culturally sanctioned success metrics, most of those in the most prestigious, salubrious, elite, and superb are equally clueless.

People who are a few steps ahead of you all deal with the same range of emotions.

Uncertainty, doubt, fear, the thicker, denser layer of the range of human experience.

The difference is, that some people have learned to regulate their nervous systems.

So this experience doesn't phase them.

It acts as a (controlled) stressor that provides an opportunity to further expand.

What I've found works like magick in my personal practice are breathwork and QiGong.

Both forms of active meditation.

So do your thing.

Breathe.

Relax.

And here's a simple 20 min morning routine if you're shopping for a new nervous system regulation habit.